Navigating the Holidays When They're Hard: Strategies for Dealing with Grief and Stress

Gathering with friends and family for Thanksgiving and the holidays is often depicted as a time of pure joy and celebration. However, for many, this festive season can also be emotionally challenging, draining, and stressful. Learn how to cope with difficult emotions around the holidays in this WFMY 2 Your Well-Being conversation with David Gutterman, PhD, clinical psychologist, Cone Health LeBauer Behavioral Medicine.

How do I prepare for a holiday after loss?

If you are entering the holidays with trepidation, perhaps due to the first holiday without a loved one or dealing with a family member's serious illness, it is important to remember that your feelings are normal.

The holidays often come with a lot of social pressure to be joyous, even when you aren't feeling that way. Dr. Gutterman advises:

• Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize that the sadness, emptiness, or grief you feel is a normal part of the process.

• Anticipate and Plan: Think ahead about where the emotional "trigger points" might be—specific traditions, songs, or conversations—and have a concrete plan for how to manage those moments.

How can I help a grieving loved one?

If you are a host, friend, or family member supporting someone who is grieving, your approach can make a significant difference.

• Acknowledge the Difficulty: Start by acknowledging that you recognize this is a challenging time for them. Avoid trying to talk people out of their feelings (e.g., saying "don't cry").

• Give Permission: Offer your guest permission to either talk about the loss or not talk about it. Ask them directly what they are most comfortable with.

• Establish a Plan B: Give your guests permission to have a discrete exit strategy. If their emotions are triggered and they need to take some time to themselves, step away for a few minutes, or even leave, they should feel comfortable doing so without guilt.

What do I do during conflict at the holiday gathering?

For guests, establishing a buddy system can be extremely helpful. Ahead of time, let a trusted friend or family member know that you might need their help. You can agree on a non-verbal signal to let them know when you need to discreetly exit the situation or take a break.

For hosts, watch for subtle changes in a guest's typical behavior:

• Change in Behavior: If an outgoing, gregarious person becomes very quiet, non-participatory, or removes themselves from the group, they may be struggling.

• Check In Discreetly: Gently and discreetly check in with them to see how they are doing. Follow their lead on what they might need—do not make assumptions about what would be helpful.

What can I say in stressful conversations?

Beyond grief, the holidays can bring uncomfortable or stressful conversations with specific family members.

• Set Boundaries: Give yourself permission to politely exit or decline a discussion that you know will lead nowhere good. A direct approach is simply saying, "I'm just not comfortable with that conversation."

• Have an Exit Strategy: If a persistent individual continues, you can politely exit the situation entirely. You do not need to force yourself to stay in an uncomfortable setting.

What if I can't see my loved one in-person this year?

A common mistake when a loved one is far away is not saying anything because you are afraid of making them sad or don't know what to say.

It is always better to reach out. You will not make them feel worse by checking in. Be upfront, let them know you recognize this is a challenging time, and ask if there is anything you can do to help them along.

What else can I do to self-soothe besides drink?

Dr. Gutterman cautions against trying to "anesthetize" high emotions or anxiety with alcohol.

• Slippery Slope: Alcohol is a very slippery slope that can intensify emotions like grief, sadness, or loss.

• Impaired Judgment: It impairs your ability to screen what you say and how you react, making tense situations worse.

Instead, rely on behavioral strategies—lean on your support system, use your buddy system, and give yourself permission to step away. Remember the importance of gratitude above all, as you can always find something to be grateful for, even in difficult times.

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